so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
