Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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