I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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