Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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