either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
