respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
