Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
