New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
