You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
