You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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