life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
