im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
