i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
