did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
