The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
