just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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