The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
