Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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