One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
