She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
