hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
