Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
