Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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