she was so not down for the gang bang
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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