Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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