I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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