you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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