I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
