You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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