Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
