she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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