I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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