Yo dont text me then not text me
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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