if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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