She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I believe in your delicious
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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