I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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