I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
