I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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