Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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