the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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