well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
