Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
