she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
