dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
