Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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