Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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