i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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