Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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