I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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