She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
