i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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