No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
