a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
